I guess high school is when I first started questioning what
we were being taught about current affairs, especially politics.
We were allowed to disagree, or to have reservations, about
controversial topics, but I objected to things that were taken
for granted. About assumptions. Hidden premises. What
Clyde Kluckhohn called enthymemes. The things we have
internalized, and know are true, without thinking about them.
I asked why. Not every teacher saw what I was getting at.
Some students didn’t either. Some did. But I didn’t feel like
I was representing anyone. I just wanted to know if it was me,
or was it more general. A shared perception. An angel told Joan
of Arc, “Be good, Joan. Go often to church.” I didn’t believe
in angels. I was a crazy mixed-up teenager. Small acts
of vandalism. A juvenile delinquent. I hung out
with a bad crowd. I was a bad influence on
myself. I was a solipsist. I believed in
the reality of my own experience.
My own thought processes.
They were as real to me
as mathematical equations.
In fact, realer, because I didn’t
understand the math. I could learn it
but I didn’t feel it. Emotion was a part of thinking.
Memories have weight. Resonance. Sometimes odors.
Yeast rolls. Pasta. Fruits and vegetables. Water.
Totemism is a system of relations.
Clan A is to Clan B as this animal is to that one.
It might have been the hard desks but usually I had an erection.