Slap Out, Alabama (YU)--Art Brew, Miami Bureau Chief, YU News Service, a parody news and disinformation syndicate, a trained private investigator (PI), and author of many, many PI (post-inaccrochable) novels, was asked for his take on the famous rug-burn incident, where President Bush choked on a pretzel while watching football on television, fainted, and abraded his cheek when he fell face-first to the rug in his private quarters in the White House, while his wife, First Lady Laura Bush, was in another room, and the Presidential Dogs, Spot and Barney, revived him, licking his face with their tongues.
"The First Lady, Laura Bush, in another room, and the Presidential Dogs, Spot and Barney, reviving him, licking his face, with their tongues, are the key," Brew said.
"I believe," he said, "the president was watching porn movies on television, and having sex with a pretzel, when, thinking he heard the first lady's approach, and fearing he would be caught flagrante delicto, he swooned dead away, from fright, and was revived, in the nick of time, by Spot and Barney, whereupon he was able to put his dick back in his pants in the nick of time, unlike his unfortunate predecessor in the office, Bill Clinton."
"Anyone who has had sex around animals," Brew said, "with a pretzel knows it causes them to salivate, and lick, as they become aroused, and want to `join in the fun.'"
"He's damned lucky he woke up in time," Brew said. "Your dick becomes engorged with blood, the pretzel cuts the circulation to your brain off, and you faint. It's like autoerotic asphyxiation, only with a fetish object. These cases are well known to writers of PI novels."
"Imagine if the first lady had walked in on him in time," Brew said. "He'd be known as Old Pretzel Dick, and not for the sharp right turn, or bend his penis is rumored to take," Brew said.
A spokesman from the Office of the Press Secretary (OOPS) denied that alcohol was involved "in any way" with the incident. As no one had asked whether it was, or assumed it was, since the president quit drinking the day after his 40th birthday and has been on the wagon since, the OOPS Czar's statement aroused more suspicion than it allayed.
The OOPS Czar declined to comment on whether the president's penis curves to the right.
"CD stands for Chocolate Drop," the OOPS Czar said. "Not Crooked Dick."
Crooked Dick is uncomfortably close to Richard Nixon's sobriquet of Slippery Dick, often transcribed Tricky Dick by the media, who can't tell the difference between a lightning bug and lightning.
In an unrelated
story, the OOPS Czar said the first lady had no plans to become spokesman for a
drive to heighten awareness of the dangers posed to adolescent males
(15 - 25) by Autoerotic Asphyxiation (AEA) Syndrome, who experience heightened
sexual pleasure from the decreased flow of blood to their brains by choking
themselves while masturbating.
Or fucking a pretzel.