Diary

Tuesday, February 15 (cont'd)

BUKOWSKI NEVER DID THIS: A YEAR IN THE LIFE OF AN UNDERGROUND WRITER AND HIS FAMILY.

GUY LIT. January 28 - February 15. 25,000 words. Begin writing IT'S HARD TO FLY, WITH AN ALBATROSS AROUND YOUR NECK: AN AMERICAN WRITER REPLIES TO JUST CRITICISM, answering John Bennett's comments. Larry writes a foreword to BUKOWSKI NEVER DID THIS. booksALIVE 2005! invites me to participate in the book fair, and assigns me a book-signing slot in the Gulf Coast Community College Conference Center, so I won't be giving out my pamphlet like a Jehovah's Witness handing out Watchtower tracts. I see that "It's Hard To Fly, With An Albatross Around Your Neck: An American Writer Replies To Just Criticism" is the first part of a two-part book, GUY LIT, the other part being "Dragging Up: Got Invited to a Book Fair, Quit My Job," and that GUY LIT combines with BUKOWSKI NEVER DID THIS to form the two-book series History Repeats Itself, the First Time as Tragedy, the Second Time as Farce. I remember quitting my job at IBM, mortgaging the house, writing and publishing Evil Genius and Open Book, and barnstorming for poetry around the state, calling on bookstores (Books & Books, in Coral Gables), attending street fairs (Fantasy Fest '86) and book festivals (Miami Book Fair International), and being the houseperson in the home. Writing about that, in Forty. My 40th book. Lo, these 17 years ago. Now I'm going to quit my job, cash in my Lucent Technologies annuity, barnstorm for poetry around the state, and write about doing that until the money runs out, then find another shitty job. Only this time I have an enthusiastic publisher (LitVision Press), I have an enthusiastic distributor (Out Your Backdoor Books), I belong to an enthusiastic crafts guild, the Underground Literary Alliance (ULA). Also, now there is an Internet, and I am a veteran of it. An old web hand. Picture the creature from the Black Lagoon's webbed hand on the gunwale where Julie Adams is sunning herself, in The Creature From the Black Lagoon, Balder crying out, "Black McGoon!" Art Brew went down to the charcuterie for forcemeats. On his bicycle. Forcemeats related to farce. I must have learned something in 17 years. "Just Criticism" ends and "Journal of a Novel" starts up. So now, GUY LIT is "Dragging Up" and "Journal," alternating. A novel and a diary about writing a novel. My boss's boss goes on a rampage at my job. I talk to Brenda about what to do. It's her annuity too. Brenda agrees to let me do this, but suggests I relax, and enjoy my year, and not write anything negative. I decide that (1) she is right, and (2) GUY LIT, with its replies to John Bennett's comments, is negative, so I stop writing GUY LIT, do not post any of it at The Daily Bulletin, and begin a new book, DRAGGING UP: ART BREW GIVES HIMSELF AN LDA GRANT (LAST DITCH ATTEMPT).

DRAGGING UP: ART BREW GIVES HIMSELF AN LDA GRANT (LAST DITCH ATTEMPT). February 15 - _________. In progress.

258. Projected. About the fate of BUKOWSKI NEVER DID THIS and DRAGGING UP: ART BREW GIVES HIMSELF AN LDA GRANT (LAST DITCH ATTEMPT) in the world. Like Forty, my 40th book, was about the fate of Evil Genius and Open Book.

Q: So GUY LIT is not part of History Repeats Itself?

A: No, it was a false start.

I put it aside and started writing DRAGGING UP: ART BREW GIVES HIMSELF AN LDA GRANT (LAST DITCH ATTEMPT) instead.

Q: Why?

A: The whole first half, where I responded to the comments John Bennett made when I asked him to write a foreword for my book, and he passed, are not what I want to put in this book.

I don't want to justify my faults. I want to rise above them.

I don't want to explain why I did what I did. I want to stop doing it.

Take off the albatross around my neck and soar like an eagle.

Q: What albatross?

A: John wrote,

If I were to do an intro I'd talk about your honesty and style and your huge warehouse of knowledge and information, but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving out other negative aspects of the picture that are chronic and in aggregate (I think) are a tragic albatross around your neck. To wit: Your obsession with the number of books you've written, your obsession with NY and Hollywood, your continually comparing yourself with other writers, your taking a stance as the ultimate outsider while a good portion of what you write is a clambering to be acknowledged as an insider.

Q: Itai.

A: I botched a book answering his charges.

Whereas, now, I'm just going to ignore them.

Show the reader I don't do that. Not tell the reader why I felt I had to do it. Was right to do it.

When I told Brenda I wanted to quit my job and cash in my annuity, she said okay, provided that I write something upbeat and positive. As she knew I was capable of doing. If I wanted to.

I thought of the scene in Interiors where Diane Keaton accused Frederick Forest of writing books that were a commercial, rather than a literary, and critical success, to spite her.

I wasn't doing what I did to spite anyone.

I certainly wasn't stinging myself in the head like a scorpion because I wanted to fail, so I could be a victim and a martyr.

But the way out of that box isn't to explain your intentions, it's to stop doing what isn't working and start doing something that will.

So I snapped GUY LIT off and started writing DRAGGING UP: ART BREW GIVES HIMSELF AN LDA GRANT (LAST DITCH ATTEMPT).

I thought it was magnanimous of Brenda to trust me, after I had let her down before, when I published Evil Genius, then Open Book.

I had promised then to write something I could sell, and not the same old poison and earwax.

She felt betrayed by Evil Genius and Open Book.

I hope I don't let her down again.

Q: So much pressure.

A: The pressure is off.

I can just relax, and enjoy being a writer.

I have a new book coming out.

And I see how this book starts.

I write about what happened before. To see what I can do different this time.