Marriage drove him to work like drought drives a fish upstream.

William Faulkner

When I wrote Jack Neff that I had dropped out of graduate school to write, he suggested the four of us settle together somewhere in the mountains. He was just finishing up his degree at Alford.

Karol was pregnant with young John Neff.

Jack could throw pots, I could write, Brenda and Karol could have babies and work on the local economy for wages and benefits like health insurance.

I said that sounded good to me, and Jack and Karol came to New Orleans so Karol and Brenda could meet.

They hit it off.

Jack got a position as a resident craftsman at Penland School of Handicrafts, near Spruce Pine, North Carolina. The job paid a place to live and studio space. We would live in Laurel Cottage and Jack's studio would be at The Barns, a short walk from Laurel Cottage.

Laurel Cottage Cottage Industries.

Brenda went off the pill and got pregnant with Owen.

We had a place to live and I could help Jack out around the studio to pay for our room and board. Brenda could find a job in Spruce Pine with the school, the hospital, the library, or one of the social service agencies.

Why wait? If we waited until we could afford it, we'd never have a child.

Besides, I had written 2½ novels during my fellowship year. I felt like I had my sea legs under me as a writer. How much longer could it be before I sold a book?

So now we would live with Jack and Karol and write Larry and Hazel. Instead of practically living with Larry and Hazel and writing Jack and Karol.

Brenda couldn't find a job.

There was a recession on. Didn't we know?

So I started looking for a job.

Although we had a place to live and food to eat, we had no income, and I had a truck payment to make, automobile insurance to pay, and the doctor and the hospital wanted to be paid in advance to deliver Owen in a hospital, since we had no health insurance.

I drove around a three-county area, looking for a job. I couldn't find a job.

Finally, I got a job as a laborer in a feldspar mine. The employees didn't have black lung, they had white lung. Silicosis.

I lost that job. For taking a day off to look for another job and not lying about it the next day, when asked.

I got a job as a clerk in a store in Winston-Salem.

We left Penland.

I hated to leave. I felt like I was being cast out of Paradise. Penland was like Black Mountain College when John Cage, Merce Cunningham, Bucky Fuller, and Josef Albers were all there, making art.

But Jack was feeding us out of his savings and a small income he had from railroad stocks his mother had left him. We were dragging Jack and Karol down. Jack wasn't selling any pots.

There was a recession on.

In "Granny Brown," Balder asked Granny Brown about the Depression, and she said, "Weren't no such thing, we always lived that way."

For an artist, there is always a depression.

At least there has been for us since my fellowship year at Tulane.

I thought we would go up from there, but my fellowship year at Tulane was my high point, as an artist. It's been downhill since then.

I've made good money working outside of art, and I have done art full-time on money I stole from Brenda, Owen, and Balder, thinking working full-time at art would bring me closer to making a living at art, but so far I haven't made enough money at art to do it full-time, and don't think, now, I ever will. I'll die in debt, and working outside of art to hold body and soul together, and making art after work, half-assed and piecemeal.

My prayer is I stay healthy enough to do that.

And don't turn bitter.

I don't think I'm going to quit and I don't think I'm going to sell out.

But bitterness can strike a person out of the blue.

It gangs up on you and blindsides you when you least expect it.

You get jealous of other people. In my case, people like [Name Deleted].

Why him and not me?

I'm genuine and he's a fake.

Notice how short "Married" is compared to "Married with Children."

Once children come, your life is not your own for 25 years.

It's not the same life with one more mouth to feed.

It's a different life. It's different in kind.

You have fucked yourself out of a seat at the dinner table.

Brenda and I encouraged Owen and Balder to get a foothold in their careers before they settled down with a wife and family.

Both of them did.

I thought I had.

I thought all I'd have to do was learn to write, and the business end would take care of itself. I wouldn't still be scuffling at age 66. Still tired, sick, broke, and hongry, as Jimmy Witherspoon says.

When we left New Orleans we sold everything we weren't going to need, including our record collection.

That went to Larry and Hazel, who added it to their record collection.

Sometimes the Toe River Valley Boys played square dances at the school, and we got to hear live bluegrass.